I want to make things better for everyone I know. I want to keep those I love from experiencing pain and heartbreak. I see people hurting or struggling or drifting and I just want to DO something. And it's beyond just that milk-of-human-kindness desire to be able to help. I want to do MORE than just help. I want to guide and direct everyone and everything down the exact right path to becoming exactly who or what they are supposed to be. And it saddens me, sometimes beyond bearing, when I can't.
There are a few problems with this little penchant of mine:
A) I could let it run away with me. Sometimes it feels a little like my life should be a constant crusade. And it could easily become one. In fact, I've lived that way before, for a period of years even. Running around trying to fix everyone, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Feeling both responsible for and powerless over the people and events around me. And let me tell you, it is freaking exhausting. And unhealthy. And ultimately useless because of B and C.
B) I just don't know everything. Most of the time I act like I do, and a lot of the time I can even fool people into believing it (including myself!), but the truth is I don't have all the answers (I know, you're SHOCKED!). This never slowed me down before, because frankly, I didn't realize it. Somehow, if I felt strongly enough about something, I became utterly convinced that whatever I felt was right. I am no longer that confident (or optimistic, or naive, or self-deluded). Now it seems like the more I learn the more convinced I become of one thing (and one thing only)- I still have so much left to learn. So now I know that no matter how much I want to help, fix or rescue someone, I don't have the first clue how to do it. Or what it is they really need. Basically, I'm just as dumb as the rest of us, and sometimes I just need to remember that and butt out.
C) We all have to learn how to fix ourselves. Really, no one else can do the fixing for us. We have to experience mess-ups so that we can learn so that we can grow. And there's just no way around that. There is no short-cut to developing character. And I truly believe that's one of the most important things we do with our time here on earth. We suck and then we grow and then we change and then we hurt for a little while, but in the end we become better for it. And no one else can do that for us. And we can't do it for anyone else. We just have to dive into our own life and deal with it and do as much as we can with what's given to us.
So now I'm 29, and I'm obviously so much wiser than I was at 18 or 22. And when I find myself burning with the need to save someone I try to remember the things I've learned. I try to release myself from the burden of responsibility that was never mine in the first place. I try to trust in the Grace that has carried me along thus far, and I pray for it to cover the ones I love and lead them too. And then sometimes (like this week) I still get really sad and really angry and I have to practically sit on my hands to keep me from meddling in a way that would probably only make things worse. And I remember that I'm still growing and learning and fixing myself. And I look forward to the day when I'm a little older and a little wiser, and have learned everything there is to know so I finally can save the world. Or at least maybe by then I'll have stopped needing to.
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