Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through past the same in future the same today

I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires

Oh weary tired and worn
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold cause mine is light
I know you through and through
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires

Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

-Jill Phillips

Sunday, December 11, 2005


Here's a sampling of a few lines by my new favorite poet, Dorothy Parker.

I'm wearied of wearying love, my friend,
Of worry and strain and doubt;
Before we begin, let us view the end,
And maybe I'll do without.
There's never the pang that was worth the tear,
And toss in the night I won't--
So either you do or you don't, my dear,
Either you do or you don't!

The table is ready, so lay your cards
And if they should augur pain,
I'll tender you ever my kind regards
And run for the fastest train.
I haven't the will to be spent and sad;
My heart's to be gay and true--
Then either you don't or you do, my lad,
Either you don't or you do!

The Lady's Reward
Lady, lady, never start
Conversation toward you heart;
Keep you pretty words serene;
Never murmur what you mean.
Show yourself, by word and look,
Swift and shallow as a brook.
Be as cool and quick to go
As a drop of April snow;
Be as delicate and gay
As a cherry flower in May.
Lady, lady, never speak
Of the tears that burn your cheek--
She will never win him, whose
Words had shown she feared to lose.
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be there first it ever did.

Lilacs blossom just as sweet
Now my heart is shattered.
If I bowled it down the street,
Who's to say it mattered?
If there's one that rode away
What would I be missing?
Lips that taste of tears, they say,
Are the best for kissing.

Eyes that watch the morning star
Seem a little brighter;
Arms held out to darkness are
Usually whiter.
Shall I bar the strolling guest,
Bind my brow with willow.
When they say, the empty breast
Is the softer pillow?

That a heart falls tinkling down.
Never think it ceases.
Every likely lad in town
Gathers up the pieces.
If there's one gone whistling by
Would I let it grieve me?
Let him wonder if I lie;
Let him half believe me.

The Choice
He'd have given me rolling lands,
Houses of marble, and billowing farms,
Pearls, to trickle between my hands,
Smoldering rubies, to circle my arms.
You--you'd only a lilting song,
Only a melody, happy and high,
You were sudden and swift and strong--
Never a thought for another had I.

He'd have given me laces rare,
Dresses that glimmered with frosty sheen,
Shining ribbons to wrap my hair,
Horses to draw me, as fine as a queen.
You-- you'd only to whistle low,
Gayly I followed wherever you led.
I took you, and I let him go--
Somebody ought to examine my head!

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

A Shoulder to Cry On

Over the past few days, for no particular reason at all, I have been feeling an overwhelming need for a shoulder to cry on. I can't pinpoint a specific event that triggered this desire. I'm not especially sad, or especially worried, or especially upset about anything. Perhaps I am a little more tired than usual. But there's no real or legitimate reason for this need.

I suppose it's comfort that I'm craving, more than anything else. I keep thinking about how lovely it would be for someone strong and good and wise to lay my head on their shoulder, wrap their arms around me and remind me, just reassure me that all is well, that I'm alright, and that all manner of things will be fine. Sometimes I just get so tired of being and feeling alone, of putting on a brave face, of holding it all together. What a luxury it would be to just drop it all and let someone else keep the pieces in place for me, even if just a little while.

It is such a rare thing, to find someone who will allow you to cry. There aren't very many people who can witness someone else's tears without being afraid of them. In all my life I can only think of one person, one man, who has ever been able to be that for me, and right now he is so far away from me that he might as well be on another planet.

Tomorrow I will wake up and greet a day that is fresh and new. My smile will be in place. I will offer comfort and peace and rest to others in any way that I can. But tonight, I will let the tears flow freely as they will, and be grateful of the fact that no one can see them but me.

Monday, December 5, 2005

And it seems like, yes it feels like.....a brand new day!!!

Sunday, November 6, 2005


This evening I have my doors open to invite in the late afternoon sun. There is a woman across the street sitting on her front steps with her guitar singing Indigo Girls songs. My mischeivous kitten is taking a rest from his usual antics and is sprawled in the sunbeam streaming in from my window. There's a coolness on the breeze that is blowing through my living room and a deep, restful peace settling in my chest. Not exactly a heaviness, but a weightiness, as if something more substantial than me has decided to take up space inside me for while. I am struck by the love and contentment that I feel towards my quiet, little life.

I don't know why stillness is rare for me and hard to achieve. It seems that it has always been this way. Perhaps it's the drama-queen in me, the thirst for adventure, the quest for that which is beyond ordinary. But it's in these rare moments of quiet peace that my eyes are open to the beauty and excitement that are all around me every day, that I don't have to search for. There is something quite extraordinary about living a simple, ordinary life fully. Why is it so hard for me to rest in that most of the time?

Clearly I am a person of some extremes. I feel deeply, I love to the depths of my being, and when I hurt I sometimes feel like I'll never feel better again. I tend to gravitate towards ecstasy or despair. No middle ground. What's the point in doing things half-way? But tonight, this stillness, this peace feels so much more powerful than any other emotion could. I feel myself curling into it for a long snuggle and folding it around me like a blanket. Perhaps I can stay here for a while, rest here, and be satisfied.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Never Enough

You say it don't bother you much
but your heart breaks at the slightest touch.
You say that it's never enough.
You kiss what you won't touch.

When was the last time you felt good in your skin?
When was the last time you let somebody in?

You say it don't bother you much that your
words slip away like your memories in waves.

Love, is there no getting out of here?
I'm keeping the light on for you, dear.

Hearts get broken one by one.
Pieced back together by the light of what's wrong.

You say it don't bother you much. You look but you won't touch.
You say that it's never enough.
When was the last time you felt good in your skin?
When was the last time you let somebody in?
You say it don't bother you much.
It's never enough...

-Tres Chicas

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Hero Factor

I don't care.
If you want me come and find me.

I'm still here.
And I'm waiting for you, my dear.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Professional Distance

Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love when all my resistance can never be distance enough.
-Anna Nalick

There is a message that I seem to be receiving a lot lately. It's ugly, and hurtful, and I want to believe that it's not true, but I keep hearing it. The actions of others in and around my life keep confirming it. And that is really hard to fight. How are we supposed to live from the truth, when the lies seem to be the truest thing about us?

The message centers around one thing- distance. And it comes in many forms and fashions. People prefer you at a distance. You are safer if you keep your distance from others. Something in you is "too much" for others, and you must stay away in order to keep from overwhelming them. There is something ugly and dangerous in you and if you allow others to come close enough, they will get hurt. And the worst one of all...The people around you can sense all of this in you, and they know to stay away. No one will ever be foolish enough to come all the way in, and you will always be alone. Yes, this message expresses itself in many ways, but all with the same result. I feel compelled to draw into myself, to hide away from others.

This idea both infuriates and defeats me. On one hand I just want to rage. I want to lash out at the author of these lies. I want to flagellate myself for my inability to stand against them, for the weakness that allows me to give them any kind of weight in my life. I'm also enraged at the people who make it so easy for me to believe. The people who are content with shallow, superficial conversation. The countless thousands who walk this earth without any desire or intention to scratch beneath the surface of either themselves or others. I despise these people!

On the other hand, I am so utterly tired and hurt and confused that I just want to lay down and sleep for a very long time. It seems a pointless battle and a waste of time and I often truly believe that it won't get me anywhere. What's the solution? To keep foisting myself on others who aren't interested? To cut those people out of my life completely? Focus only on those few, brave souls who are willing to search and reach? I don't know. I don't seem to have answers to any questions today.

I know that this is a not a new struggle. This message has battered me for most of my life. So much so, that my defense were impenetrable. I became so good at keeping my distance that it was second nature to me. But I was brittle, and hard, and lonely, and I know I don't want to be there again. It's just....How do we know? How can we determine who is trustworthy and who isn't? How do we distinguish between those who want to know and to see and who will be gentle with our hearts, versus those who only want to know that they can get in, if they choose to?

Lord, I know that you place these longings in our hearts for a reason. The desire for fellowship, for community, the intense wanting to be truly known- none of these are arbitrary. You created us with that, and for that. Why then, did You make it so hard? Why, so painful? It seems like a lose/lose. We either shut people out, keep our distance, and suffer silently and alone, or we let people in, give them access to those most tender places, and then have huge chunks of our hearts ripped out at random. What's more painful? To keep someone out, or to invite them in, and have them walk away instead?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

A Cry From the Heart of a Woman

My heart cries out to be pursued. I long to be longed for. I long for someone to be so captivated by me that they boldly chase after me. I desire someone full of passion to be inspired by me and to inspire a deep passion within me and to sweep me away on an incredible adventure. I want to share in the battle, in the danger, in the excitement of life. I long to have a treasure, a secret beauty to be discovered and revealed by one special person. I want to have a beauty to unveil. I want to be a mystery. I want to be more than what I appear to be. I want to have more inside than every one else sees in me. I want to be known to the depths of my heart and soul and to be loved and appreciated for the beauty that resides there. I want danger, adventure, excitement, romance, and unconditional, never-ending love. I want to truly and fully belong to someone and I will never be satisfied with a partial fulfillment. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to lock my heart away and hide from risk and the possibility of heartbreak. I want to love recklessly and to give all of my heart and life. I want a love that demands all of me and that won't allow me to hold back. I want to unleash my heart- the heart of a woman- and follow it as it chases after and finds all of my dreams and desires.

Tuesday, September 6, 2005


I'm fighting battles deep within my soul
And the hardest part to understand is why I have to conquer letting go.
I'm so weak! I cry out to You for strength
I close my eyes and seek You on my knees.

There are times my combat's with myself, but I know
I should be fighting for You, I should be dying for You.
I'm so small, how can I be of use to You at all?
So I close my eyes and seek You
On my knees I'm praying.

Show me where to send my heart, even if the way is dark and cold
For I know you will provide all I need.
Open up my eyes, my soul and let Your Spirit take control.
I will give You all of me.
Just show me where to send my heart.

I can't imagine why You would choose me
But I feel Your love so surely, strongly. I feel Your peace, Your grace, Your mercy.
Let it be me to carry love to those around me,
Fill me up so You can pour me out.

There are times I feel I can't go on, but I know
It's not my strength within me, it's not my will I live by.
How can I be worthy of so great a sacrifice?
I just close my eyes and seek You
On my knees, still praying.

Show me where to send my heart, even if the way is dark and cold
For I know You will provide all I need.
Open up my eyes, my soul and let Your Spirit take control.
I will give You all of me.
Just show me where to send my heart.

Control Freak

I suppose that all of us have parts of ourselves that we suppress so carefully we are somehow able to convince ourselves that those parts of us do not exist. For the truly delusional among us, we may even be able to believe that we are above such things. We may even see those parts of ourselves in others and despise what we see. But always, eventually, that part of ourselves that we stuff into a tiny little box and lock away in a tiny little room with a tiny little key that we then make sure to lose in the farthest reaches of our consciousness- always, that monster manages to rear its ugly head!

Today, I'd like to admit that I am a freak (of sideshow proportions) and that there is a monster inside my head and heart that grapples shamelessly for control and will resort to the lowest forms of manipulation and deceit in order to get what it wants.

The scariest part of all of this is that I never even recognize her when she begins to take over. Which makes can you recognize a part of you that you've convinced yourself does not exist? This failure to recognize results in her ability to run rampart and to create some serious damage in my life before I am willing to take responsibility for her and wrestle her back into captivity. It occurred to me today that perhaps if I was more aware of her existence, I could take action more quickly when she runs amok.

So, I invited her for a cup of coffee and we had a lengthy conversation, and as I listened to her it occurred to me that perhaps she is not the monster I believe her to be. She is something more akin to a frightened little girl left alone in a dark closet for a long time. Neglect has made her ugly and cruelly distorted and perhaps a bit mean. She is wary of others and trust is nearly impossible for her. She has come to believe that no one cares for her and no one ever will, and as she is left to fend completely for herself, she strikes out in any way she can to make sure that no one disturbs her lonely, little existence. She spoke many lies to me, but each of them are lies she believes to be true. She does not seek to deceive others, she is only deceived herself. She has no true desire to hurt others, her intention is merely to preserve herself in whatever way she feels she must.

I suggested that perhaps she could take me on as a sort of confidante and ally, and maybe she would feel a bit more safe and secure with less of a need to antagonize others. She hesitantly, almost shyly agreed to at least make an attempt. She is still wary of me and of any others that I introduce her to, but she is clean and fed and looked after, and her countenance has begun to appear more pleasant. Now when she feels threatened she can voice that to me, and I am no longer able to shut her out or refuse to take responsibility for her actions. And I in turn am able to speak for her, in a rational way, and arrange to make her feel safe and secure without all the havoc she used to have to create in order to be payed attention to. She is as much a part of me as all the bright and beautiful things that I take pride in. And even she shines a little more lately.

Saturday, September 3, 2005


You repair all that we have torn apart
And You unveil a new beginning in our hearts
And we stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us

You've got all things suspended,
All things connected,
Nothing was forgotten,
'Cause Your love is perfect

You are our Healer,
You know what's broken,
And we're not a mystery to You

We will dance as You restore the wasted years
And You will sing over all our coming fears
And we'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us

You've got all things suspended,
All things connected,
Nothing was forgotten,
'Cause Your love is perfect

You are our Healer,
You know what's broken,
And we're not a mystery to You

Lord, You mend the breech,
You break every fetter,
You give us Your best,
For what we thought was better

And You are to be praised
You are to be praised
You are to praised

You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause Your love is perfect
You are our healer
You know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to You.


Thursday, September 1, 2005

Wreck of the Day

Driving away from the wreck of the day
and the light's always red in the rearview
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up
giving up on Love
On Love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
Cause Love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up
giving up on Love
On Love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of Love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving along, finally on my way home
To the comfort of my bed.

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up
giving up on Love
On Love

-Anna Nalick

Monday, July 25, 2005


I'm writing today from a very confused and possibly broken place in my soul. Perhaps by articulating some of the confusion that's bouncing around in my head, I can manage to make some sense of it, or at least keep it from being as scary as it seems right now.

The journey of my heart, over the past few months, has been towards authenticity, honesty, transparency. I've been undergoing the (often painful) process of having all of my defenses and walls stripped away from me. It has been both liberating and terrifying. I've made the choice to continue down this path, because I believe that what lies at the end of it- the me that lies at the end of it- is better than where I am, and who I am, right now.

But it's really hard. It is so difficult to learn to operate without all of the carefully honed defense mechanisms that have kepts me both safe and stifled for most of my life. I am utterly exposed, particularly at the most tender and neglected parts of me. Those parts are bound to get poked and prodded from time to time or even bumped and bruised. The tempation to close back in on myself and cover all that up is so great.

I guess the choice of authenticity, of real-ness and whole-ness, is also the choice of pain. In order to feel and experience all that this life has to offer, I must actually be willing to feel and experience all that this life has to offer, and that includes hurt and sadness.

I guess I'm just needing You today. I want to stay open and to keep displaying Your goodness and glory and love in my life. It hurts terribly right now to do that. Can You please pour Your balm over my heart and soothe the tender, raw places in me? I trust You and I know that You are guiding and directing me. You are in control, even though I often mistakenly believe that I am. If You walk me through pain, I am willing to hurt, so long as You walk with me. Please hold my hand today. Wrap me in Your reassurance and comfort. Soothe my insecurities and my fears with Your overwhelming presence and Your deep, wide love.

My big question lately has been, "Can I survive without my careful attempts at self-preservation? Can I trust You to take care of it for me?" Forgive me. I so often feel that I have to do this on my own. It's like I forget that You're there and You're so big and You care about me. You see my heart as beautiful, with nothing bad in it, and You want to take that beautiful heart that You have created and show it to the world. How can I fail to trust You with something that is so much more Yours than it is mine? I'm done trying to defend myself. I'm no good at it anyway. You are better.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005


I wonder if anyone else ever feels as afraid of the mess inside of them as I feel of the mess inside of me.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Proven Wrong

I'm reading a wonderful new book, and whenever I read something inspiring, it makes me want to write something inspiring. Unfortunately, there is so much going on in my life that is inspired and inspiring right now, I have no idea where to begin or which amazing new thing to latch onto and try to describe. Then there's the fact that even if I could latch on to one of those things, there is absolutely and completely no possible way that I could even describe the tiniest little piece of it in a way that would do justice to the powerful way that God is working and moving in me.

If I had to sum things up in one sentence, I would just have to say that God is making a point of making me eat my words right now. I have always been a doubter, a questioner, a little bit of a skeptic. Not because I don't want to believe, but probably more because I am prideful and never want to be taken for a fool. I don't want to believe in something that may be silly or not real. So I make a lot of bold, emphatic statements because I think I have it all figured out. "It's not possible to be falling in love with someone after only three dates." "There is never going to be any one person who means all the right things at the time that you need to hear them. You just have to learn to ask for what you want." "Sometimes you have to learn to work with what you have and make it into what you want, instead of waiting to stumble across something that already is exactly what you want. That may never happen."

Sounds wise enough, I suppose. I've definitely sold it well to people. But here's the secret. I don't say those things because I really believe they're true. I say them because something in me hopes against hope that they aren't true, but I'm afraid to admit it, and all the time I'm just waiting around, hoping, but never really expecting, to be proven wrong.

Against all odds, against all explanation, against all logic, I am being proven spectacularly wrong. And in the most delightful way imaginable. God isn't fighting me, beating me down, forcing me to admit to all the flaws in my fallacious arguments. It's more like He's saying, "I have so much more for you. Something so much better. You're afraid to ask for it, but that's okay. I'm going to give it to you anyway. I'm going to hand it to you gently, slowly, patiently, but persistently. There will be no way for you to deny what I am doing for you. There will be no way for you to reject what I'm offering you. There will be no reason to doubt and no room for fear. I'm going to fill you with peace, with trust, with acceptance of this marvelous thing."

Today I'm standing here, awed and grateful, with my head thrown back and my arms spread wide- just trying to take it all in. Thank you! Thank you for your mercy, your grace, your tenderness and consistency with me. Thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for you insistent love and your stubborn pursuit of me. I love it, and I love You!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Fear and Adventure

The dualities of life never cease to amaze me. How can someone you love be so wonderful and so wounding at the same time. How can true beauty fill us with such awe and terror. How can I be so excited about something and so afraid at the same time? How can I be so ready for something to happen and yet feel so unprepared?

In two days, I will embark on an adventure of epic proportions. Mountains, snow, travel, new friends, beautiful strangers, horses, tiaras, tears. I'm going alone. But not really. My unseen companion, the Wild Goose, is always with me. And I am with me. For the first time in a long time, I feel like my heart is really with me. Like it's a connected extension of my body and my soul instead of some abstract kind of concept or idea. My emotions are so close to the surface right now, which is so foreign to me. I'm not used to feeling like this, and it's scary, and wonderful, and inspiring and immobilizing.

And like with all adventure, there is danger. Unseen and unforeseen enemies wait at every turn to keep me from all that is coming. To rob me of joy, of truth, and most importantly of real, live, abundant life. There is a fight ahead. So, I'm stacking on the armor, sharpening my sword, preparing for the battle. And looking to my Captain. Guard me, protect me, shield me, lead me, please. Fill my limbs with strength, my heart with courage and my life with You. Ready or not, here we go!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Never Grow Up

It happens everytime I open up my eyes
And it takes me by surprise.
I hold sunlight and swallow firefles
And it makes me want to cry.

I love you.

I shall never grow up; make-believe is much too fun.
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

We were walking there and I had tangles in my hair
But you made me feel so pretty.
You had shining eyes just like the forest lights
And it makes me want to cry.

I love you.

I shall never grow up; make-believe is much too fun.
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

This place is so lovely it kind of makes me very happy.
Let's go far away to the humming meadow.


Thursday, April 21, 2005

Letting Go

Letting go of a hand that I've grown so accustomed to holding
Letting go of that hand can be so hard
Letting go of a hand that was there to protect and defend me
Letting go of that hand can be so hard

There was bound to come a time. I had to find my way.
Our time has come for letting go.

Moving on in my life, there's so much about me that I'm unsure of.
I must find my own way on my own.
You will always be with me and I will always need your love.
And it's so hard to let you go.

Even now, though we know how my heart wants to hold on forever.
It's the hardest thing I know. But now it's time for letting go.

From the musical Jekyl and Hyde

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Walking Song

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began
Now far ahead the Road has gone
And I must follow if I can

Pursuing it with eager feet
Until it joins some larger way
Where many road and errands meet
And whither then, I cannot say...

-J.R.R. Tolkien

Monday, March 21, 2005

True Love?

This morning I was remembering a time when I was in high school. It was the beginning of my senior year, to be exact. I was 17 and surviving my first dumping experience. I was truly devastated, but it was more about my wounded pride than my broken heart. It did send me into a time of serious contemplation, spiked with cynicism, which brought me to the (revolutionary!) conclusion, that there is no such thing as true love. It just doesn't exist. It is some kinds of fantasy/illusion that we create out of boredom or desire or delusion. Now, I realize that in the history of the world, this is not a novel idea, but it was completely novel to my eternally optimistic and (at that time) sapilly romantic little mind. This week I came across some entries in one of my old journals expounding on this theory of mine. I read it now and still see my little romantic heart beating through all that so-called worldly cynicism I gained through my post-break-up suffering. Sometimes it's amazing how truly naive I am!!

But in a way I think I was onto something. I see now, the truth that my jaded, wounded pride was twisting. The truth is that life is not like the movies, or like the fairy-tales that I lived and breathed while I was growing up. There is no "perfect" love that is going to sweep me away and solve all of my problems. But there is something even better. There is real love. This is the love that sees all the flaws in another person and chooses to love them anyway. This is what the Bible speaks of when talking about agape love. It is love that is unconditional. It can't be earned and it can't be lost and it isn't blinded by fantasy, but is clear-sighted, and so, is also enduring. I have found that love. I experience it from my family, from my amazing new friends, and from my Daddy-God. I've also seen a real-life, real-love story unfold before my very eyes in the last few months. I have watched one of my very best friends fall in love with a man, and whatched him fall back in love with her, and I see how beautiful it is. Some of the beauty is in pain, and some of it in laughter, but throughout, the beauty is there. And it may not be the "True Love" of movies. There are no bells, or fireworks, and the work is not over for them. But this love is real, and unconditional and everlasting, and it will carry them through every storm. So this is my tribute to Lori and Ron, and to my own love-affair with my Lord, Jesus Christ....and to the man who I believe is out there, who will love me with Christ's love on this earth. This is my tribute to real love.

Wednesday, March 9, 2005

The Girl I Mean To Be

I need a place where I can go,
where I can whisper what I know,
where I can whisper who I like
and where I go to see them.

I need place to spend the day,
where no one says to go or stay,
where I can make my plans and write them down
so I can read them.

A place where I can bid my heart be still
and it will mind me.
A place where I can go when I am lost
and there I'll find me.

I need a place where I can hide,
where no one sees my life inside,
where I can take my pen and draw
the girl I mean to be.

-"The Girl I Mean To Be"
From the Secret Garden, the musical

When I was in sixth grade I took two, maybe three voice lessons, from a woman who later became one of my best friends. This was the first song that I "learned" to sing. Lately the words have been bouncing around in my head. I don't know how long it's been since I thought about them. I didn't even know that I still remembered all of them. But there they are, encapsulating most of what I've been feeling and thinking lately. The Secret Garden was also the very first musical I ever went to. My mom took me to see it in Dallas, with a friend of hers and her daughter and it captivated and overwhelmed me. Interesting that the song, which was just a fun tune to me then, means so much to me now, and speaks so much to who I am, who I am becoming, and how I am becoming her. Lately I crave silence, stillness and a place of my own in a way that I never have before. It's complicated, but also kind of nice...this process of learning just to be. Just to be who I am. Just to be the girl who I mean to be.

Friday, March 4, 2005

That Which is Essential

The girl who normally inhabits my body is sitting aside from me right now, muttering under her breath and shaking her head in disbelief at the girl who is currently inhabiting my body. She is the girl who takes over sometimes, and cuts right to the heart of the matter. She is the girl who makes me do crazy things, like give my phone number to a random guy who I meet in the take-out line at lunch on a Care Bears playing card, even though he didn't ask. She is the girl who drives me to live in a way that is uncommon, to claw beneath the surface of my everyday life and see the deep richness of the depths below. The girl who normally lives inside me fights for control, for steadiness, for order. She wants me to be who I am "supposed" to be and do what I am "supposed" to do. But the girl in control now, she knows who I am meant to be and she beckons me to become that person....perhaps she even is that person. What I'm realizing lately is that though I usually grant authority to that first girl, she is only a shadow and shell of the one that I want to be. She sees what is really there, but I want to see beyond. I truly believe that the eyes are blind and that one must look with the heart in order to see that which is essential. And I want to live an essential life. I think about that word essential now, and a new meaning dawns on me. That which is essential is the essence, the truest form, the truth. It is beyond that which can be seen or felt or touched. Perhaps this second girl- the crazy one, who often scares me with her wild ideas and bold acts- perhaps she is my essence. She is my truest form and my truth. I see now that the first girl, the shell girl, with her illusion of strength and control, is actually weak and scared. She has little about her to be admired. But the second girl...she is brave and strong- enough to make the choice to truly live and truly be. She is the girl I admire. I have spent so much of my life looking at the shell me and believing that was who I really was, and that was all I really was. And I have never been able to love that girl. But if I am really, actually the strong, brave, real girl...if she is the one inside me who has been trying to get out all along...if she is really the truth of myself, then perhaps I can love me after all. What a wonderful thing that would be.