Monday, July 25, 2005


I'm writing today from a very confused and possibly broken place in my soul. Perhaps by articulating some of the confusion that's bouncing around in my head, I can manage to make some sense of it, or at least keep it from being as scary as it seems right now.

The journey of my heart, over the past few months, has been towards authenticity, honesty, transparency. I've been undergoing the (often painful) process of having all of my defenses and walls stripped away from me. It has been both liberating and terrifying. I've made the choice to continue down this path, because I believe that what lies at the end of it- the me that lies at the end of it- is better than where I am, and who I am, right now.

But it's really hard. It is so difficult to learn to operate without all of the carefully honed defense mechanisms that have kepts me both safe and stifled for most of my life. I am utterly exposed, particularly at the most tender and neglected parts of me. Those parts are bound to get poked and prodded from time to time or even bumped and bruised. The tempation to close back in on myself and cover all that up is so great.

I guess the choice of authenticity, of real-ness and whole-ness, is also the choice of pain. In order to feel and experience all that this life has to offer, I must actually be willing to feel and experience all that this life has to offer, and that includes hurt and sadness.

I guess I'm just needing You today. I want to stay open and to keep displaying Your goodness and glory and love in my life. It hurts terribly right now to do that. Can You please pour Your balm over my heart and soothe the tender, raw places in me? I trust You and I know that You are guiding and directing me. You are in control, even though I often mistakenly believe that I am. If You walk me through pain, I am willing to hurt, so long as You walk with me. Please hold my hand today. Wrap me in Your reassurance and comfort. Soothe my insecurities and my fears with Your overwhelming presence and Your deep, wide love.

My big question lately has been, "Can I survive without my careful attempts at self-preservation? Can I trust You to take care of it for me?" Forgive me. I so often feel that I have to do this on my own. It's like I forget that You're there and You're so big and You care about me. You see my heart as beautiful, with nothing bad in it, and You want to take that beautiful heart that You have created and show it to the world. How can I fail to trust You with something that is so much more Yours than it is mine? I'm done trying to defend myself. I'm no good at it anyway. You are better.

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