Friday, March 4, 2005

That Which is Essential

The girl who normally inhabits my body is sitting aside from me right now, muttering under her breath and shaking her head in disbelief at the girl who is currently inhabiting my body. She is the girl who takes over sometimes, and cuts right to the heart of the matter. She is the girl who makes me do crazy things, like give my phone number to a random guy who I meet in the take-out line at lunch on a Care Bears playing card, even though he didn't ask. She is the girl who drives me to live in a way that is uncommon, to claw beneath the surface of my everyday life and see the deep richness of the depths below. The girl who normally lives inside me fights for control, for steadiness, for order. She wants me to be who I am "supposed" to be and do what I am "supposed" to do. But the girl in control now, she knows who I am meant to be and she beckons me to become that person....perhaps she even is that person. What I'm realizing lately is that though I usually grant authority to that first girl, she is only a shadow and shell of the one that I want to be. She sees what is really there, but I want to see beyond. I truly believe that the eyes are blind and that one must look with the heart in order to see that which is essential. And I want to live an essential life. I think about that word essential now, and a new meaning dawns on me. That which is essential is the essence, the truest form, the truth. It is beyond that which can be seen or felt or touched. Perhaps this second girl- the crazy one, who often scares me with her wild ideas and bold acts- perhaps she is my essence. She is my truest form and my truth. I see now that the first girl, the shell girl, with her illusion of strength and control, is actually weak and scared. She has little about her to be admired. But the second girl...she is brave and strong- enough to make the choice to truly live and truly be. She is the girl I admire. I have spent so much of my life looking at the shell me and believing that was who I really was, and that was all I really was. And I have never been able to love that girl. But if I am really, actually the strong, brave, real girl...if she is the one inside me who has been trying to get out all along...if she is really the truth of myself, then perhaps I can love me after all. What a wonderful thing that would be.

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