I suppose that all of us have parts of ourselves that we suppress so carefully we are somehow able to convince ourselves that those parts of us do not exist. For the truly delusional among us, we may even be able to believe that we are above such things. We may even see those parts of ourselves in others and despise what we see. But always, eventually, that part of ourselves that we stuff into a tiny little box and lock away in a tiny little room with a tiny little key that we then make sure to lose in the farthest reaches of our consciousness- always, that monster manages to rear its ugly head!
Today, I'd like to admit that I am a freak (of sideshow proportions) and that there is a monster inside my head and heart that grapples shamelessly for control and will resort to the lowest forms of manipulation and deceit in order to get what it wants.
The scariest part of all of this is that I never even recognize her when she begins to take over. Which makes sense...how can you recognize a part of you that you've convinced yourself does not exist? This failure to recognize results in her ability to run rampart and to create some serious damage in my life before I am willing to take responsibility for her and wrestle her back into captivity. It occurred to me today that perhaps if I was more aware of her existence, I could take action more quickly when she runs amok.
So, I invited her for a cup of coffee and we had a lengthy conversation, and as I listened to her it occurred to me that perhaps she is not the monster I believe her to be. She is something more akin to a frightened little girl left alone in a dark closet for a long time. Neglect has made her ugly and cruelly distorted and perhaps a bit mean. She is wary of others and trust is nearly impossible for her. She has come to believe that no one cares for her and no one ever will, and as she is left to fend completely for herself, she strikes out in any way she can to make sure that no one disturbs her lonely, little existence. She spoke many lies to me, but each of them are lies she believes to be true. She does not seek to deceive others, she is only deceived herself. She has no true desire to hurt others, her intention is merely to preserve herself in whatever way she feels she must.
I suggested that perhaps she could take me on as a sort of confidante and ally, and maybe she would feel a bit more safe and secure with less of a need to antagonize others. She hesitantly, almost shyly agreed to at least make an attempt. She is still wary of me and of any others that I introduce her to, but she is clean and fed and looked after, and her countenance has begun to appear more pleasant. Now when she feels threatened she can voice that to me, and I am no longer able to shut her out or refuse to take responsibility for her actions. And I in turn am able to speak for her, in a rational way, and arrange to make her feel safe and secure without all the havoc she used to have to create in order to be payed attention to. She is as much a part of me as all the bright and beautiful things that I take pride in. And even she shines a little more lately.