Heart Wide Shut

I don’t seem to fit.
I am not what you want, he wants, she wants.
Not what they want, we want, I want.

I want so much to be real, to be pure.
Transparent as a stained-glass window,
Beautiful,
But broken.

Broken, shattered slivers
Shards that pierce and purify
Scattered and gathered, discarded and hoarded,
Locked up and forgotten, cornered and caged.

Caged by my fear,
By your lack of intuition,
Limited vision
Reluctant decision,

Decision to breathe
To release, to be free
Of the walls that won’t fall.
Too weak to be open and too strong to bend.

Bend till I break
Till I blend, till I bleed
I keep changing my skins
Weaving a shell, thick and calloused
Snugly curl in, cocooned.

Cocooned in my aloneness
Comforted by the familiar terror
Tempting, tantalizing, luring
Lulling me to lose myself
Till I no longer recognize
The unrelenting need.

Need to please, need to be
More than I am.
Not enough,
But too much.
Less than all
Of too many hopes and dreams.

Dreams that haunt
This waking nightmare,
Full of dangerous wonder and reckless beauty
Never to be grasped.
Eyes, tight open
Heart, wide shut.