Historically, I have never been a fan of getting older. Anyone who knows me knows this. Call it nostalgia, call it rebellion, call it whatever, but I always seem to long more for the careless, golden days of my childhood than for the responsibilities and demands of "growing up." It's gotten so bad, actually, that every year since I turned 19, the approach of my birthday has been met with more tears than smiles.
One of the wisest women I know once told me, "Darlin', it's all down-hill after 18. It just gets worse from here." Somehow those words burrowed themselves deep into me, and I couldn't seem to help but look forward to each coming year with more and more apprehension and trepidation.
No more! My 25th birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I am officially a quarter-of-a-century years old!!! I don't know if I've somehow grown to be more wise, or if I just finally got sick of myself and my fear, but this year, I welcomed my birthday and this momentous milestone with open arms.
It's been quite a year for me. I feel that the Lord has led me on a most unpredictable path, often meandering along in an almost aimless fashion, sometimes careening wildly ahead. The path has been anything but straight. Instead I've followed twist, turns, and even several loops that have doubled back on themselves, leading me back to the same place, it seems, that I started from. There has been no steady uphill climb, but rather a series of dips and ascensions....a roller-coaster ride of highs and lows. There've been bumps and bruises. Some scars have been healed, and others are just beginning to bleed. But somehow, here at 25, I've stopped and looked around long enough to find myself on a summit and it is undeniable how much higher and farther and better I am now when compared to a year ago. There is a sense of having been led out of the mists and allowed to stand in the full sun, at least for now.
An even wiser man once said to me, "Life is so beautiful. You remember that. It just gets better and better. This life is so beautiful." As I round the corner of a quarter-century, I find that this is my mantra. This is what life and experience have made true for me so far.
A friend asked me to choose the song for my "24." The song that encapsulates the last year of my life. I love and hate these kinds of questions, because invariably if I scramble for an answer that sounds impressive and profound I will get it wrong. But if I give myself the time to steep over it, I will somehow stumble across the answer that is absolutely and irrefutably just right. This time I did. I'm not sure if it's really the song for the end of my 24, or the more the song for the beginning of my 25. All I know, is that right now it is the truth of my soul.
Brand New Day
When all the dark clouds roll away
And the sun begins to shine
I see my freedom from across the way
And it comes right in on time
Well it shines so bright and it gives so much light
And it comes from the sky above
Makes me feel so free makes me feel like me
And lights my life with love
And it seems like and it feels like
And it seems like yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day
I was lost and double crossed
With my hands behind my back
I was longtime hurt and thrown in the dirt
Shoved out on the railroad track
I've been used, abused and so confused
And I had nowhere to run
But I stood and looked
And my eyes got hooked
On that beautiful morning sun
And it seems like and it feels like
And it seems like yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day
And the sun shines down all on the ground
Yeah and the grass is oh so green
And my heart is still and I've got the will
And I don't really feel so mean
Here it comes, here it comes
0 here it comes right now
And it comes right in on time
Well it eases me and it pleases me
And it satisfies my mind
And it seems like and it feels like
And it seems like yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day
-Van Morrison
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I AM
Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through past the same in future the same today
I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires
Oh weary tired and worn
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold cause mine is light
I know you through and through
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide
I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires
Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
-Jill Phillips
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through past the same in future the same today
I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires
Oh weary tired and worn
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold cause mine is light
I know you through and through
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide
I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires
Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
-Jill Phillips
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Rhymes
Here's a sampling of a few lines by my new favorite poet, Dorothy Parker.
Ultimatum
I'm wearied of wearying love, my friend,
Of worry and strain and doubt;
Before we begin, let us view the end,
And maybe I'll do without.
There's never the pang that was worth the tear,
And toss in the night I won't--
So either you do or you don't, my dear,
Either you do or you don't!
The table is ready, so lay your cards
And if they should augur pain,
I'll tender you ever my kind regards
And run for the fastest train.
I haven't the will to be spent and sad;
My heart's to be gay and true--
Then either you don't or you do, my lad,
Either you don't or you do!
The Lady's Reward
Lady, lady, never start
Conversation toward you heart;
Keep you pretty words serene;
Never murmur what you mean.
Show yourself, by word and look,
Swift and shallow as a brook.
Be as cool and quick to go
As a drop of April snow;
Be as delicate and gay
As a cherry flower in May.
Lady, lady, never speak
Of the tears that burn your cheek--
She will never win him, whose
Words had shown she feared to lose.
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be there first it ever did.
Threnody
Lilacs blossom just as sweet
Now my heart is shattered.
If I bowled it down the street,
Who's to say it mattered?
If there's one that rode away
What would I be missing?
Lips that taste of tears, they say,
Are the best for kissing.
Eyes that watch the morning star
Seem a little brighter;
Arms held out to darkness are
Usually whiter.
Shall I bar the strolling guest,
Bind my brow with willow.
When they say, the empty breast
Is the softer pillow?
That a heart falls tinkling down.
Never think it ceases.
Every likely lad in town
Gathers up the pieces.
If there's one gone whistling by
Would I let it grieve me?
Let him wonder if I lie;
Let him half believe me.
The Choice
He'd have given me rolling lands,
Houses of marble, and billowing farms,
Pearls, to trickle between my hands,
Smoldering rubies, to circle my arms.
You--you'd only a lilting song,
Only a melody, happy and high,
You were sudden and swift and strong--
Never a thought for another had I.
He'd have given me laces rare,
Dresses that glimmered with frosty sheen,
Shining ribbons to wrap my hair,
Horses to draw me, as fine as a queen.
You-- you'd only to whistle low,
Gayly I followed wherever you led.
I took you, and I let him go--
Somebody ought to examine my head!
Ultimatum
I'm wearied of wearying love, my friend,
Of worry and strain and doubt;
Before we begin, let us view the end,
And maybe I'll do without.
There's never the pang that was worth the tear,
And toss in the night I won't--
So either you do or you don't, my dear,
Either you do or you don't!
The table is ready, so lay your cards
And if they should augur pain,
I'll tender you ever my kind regards
And run for the fastest train.
I haven't the will to be spent and sad;
My heart's to be gay and true--
Then either you don't or you do, my lad,
Either you don't or you do!
The Lady's Reward
Lady, lady, never start
Conversation toward you heart;
Keep you pretty words serene;
Never murmur what you mean.
Show yourself, by word and look,
Swift and shallow as a brook.
Be as cool and quick to go
As a drop of April snow;
Be as delicate and gay
As a cherry flower in May.
Lady, lady, never speak
Of the tears that burn your cheek--
She will never win him, whose
Words had shown she feared to lose.
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be there first it ever did.
Threnody
Lilacs blossom just as sweet
Now my heart is shattered.
If I bowled it down the street,
Who's to say it mattered?
If there's one that rode away
What would I be missing?
Lips that taste of tears, they say,
Are the best for kissing.
Eyes that watch the morning star
Seem a little brighter;
Arms held out to darkness are
Usually whiter.
Shall I bar the strolling guest,
Bind my brow with willow.
When they say, the empty breast
Is the softer pillow?
That a heart falls tinkling down.
Never think it ceases.
Every likely lad in town
Gathers up the pieces.
If there's one gone whistling by
Would I let it grieve me?
Let him wonder if I lie;
Let him half believe me.
The Choice
He'd have given me rolling lands,
Houses of marble, and billowing farms,
Pearls, to trickle between my hands,
Smoldering rubies, to circle my arms.
You--you'd only a lilting song,
Only a melody, happy and high,
You were sudden and swift and strong--
Never a thought for another had I.
He'd have given me laces rare,
Dresses that glimmered with frosty sheen,
Shining ribbons to wrap my hair,
Horses to draw me, as fine as a queen.
You-- you'd only to whistle low,
Gayly I followed wherever you led.
I took you, and I let him go--
Somebody ought to examine my head!
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
A Shoulder to Cry On
Over the past few days, for no particular reason at all, I have been feeling an overwhelming need for a shoulder to cry on. I can't pinpoint a specific event that triggered this desire. I'm not especially sad, or especially worried, or especially upset about anything. Perhaps I am a little more tired than usual. But there's no real or legitimate reason for this need.
I suppose it's comfort that I'm craving, more than anything else. I keep thinking about how lovely it would be for someone strong and good and wise to lay my head on their shoulder, wrap their arms around me and remind me, just reassure me that all is well, that I'm alright, and that all manner of things will be fine. Sometimes I just get so tired of being and feeling alone, of putting on a brave face, of holding it all together. What a luxury it would be to just drop it all and let someone else keep the pieces in place for me, even if just a little while.
It is such a rare thing, to find someone who will allow you to cry. There aren't very many people who can witness someone else's tears without being afraid of them. In all my life I can only think of one person, one man, who has ever been able to be that for me, and right now he is so far away from me that he might as well be on another planet.
Tomorrow I will wake up and greet a day that is fresh and new. My smile will be in place. I will offer comfort and peace and rest to others in any way that I can. But tonight, I will let the tears flow freely as they will, and be grateful of the fact that no one can see them but me.
I suppose it's comfort that I'm craving, more than anything else. I keep thinking about how lovely it would be for someone strong and good and wise to lay my head on their shoulder, wrap their arms around me and remind me, just reassure me that all is well, that I'm alright, and that all manner of things will be fine. Sometimes I just get so tired of being and feeling alone, of putting on a brave face, of holding it all together. What a luxury it would be to just drop it all and let someone else keep the pieces in place for me, even if just a little while.
It is such a rare thing, to find someone who will allow you to cry. There aren't very many people who can witness someone else's tears without being afraid of them. In all my life I can only think of one person, one man, who has ever been able to be that for me, and right now he is so far away from me that he might as well be on another planet.
Tomorrow I will wake up and greet a day that is fresh and new. My smile will be in place. I will offer comfort and peace and rest to others in any way that I can. But tonight, I will let the tears flow freely as they will, and be grateful of the fact that no one can see them but me.
Monday, December 5, 2005
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