Never Enough

You say it don't bother you much
but your heart breaks at the slightest touch.
You say that it's never enough.
You kiss what you won't touch.

When was the last time you felt good in your skin?
When was the last time you let somebody in?

You say it don't bother you much that your
words slip away like your memories in waves.

Love, is there no getting out of here?
I'm keeping the light on for you, dear.

Hearts get broken one by one.
Pieced back together by the light of what's wrong.

You say it don't bother you much. You look but you won't touch.
You say that it's never enough.
When was the last time you felt good in your skin?
When was the last time you let somebody in?
You say it don't bother you much.
It's never enough...

-Tres Chicas

Hero Factor

I don't care.
If you want me come and find me.

I'm still here.
And I'm waiting for you, my dear.

Professional Distance

Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love when all my resistance can never be distance enough.
-Anna Nalick

There is a message that I seem to be receiving a lot lately. It's ugly, and hurtful, and I want to believe that it's not true, but I keep hearing it. The actions of others in and around my life keep confirming it. And that is really hard to fight. How are we supposed to live from the truth, when the lies seem to be the truest thing about us?

The message centers around one thing- distance. And it comes in many forms and fashions. People prefer you at a distance. You are safer if you keep your distance from others. Something in you is "too much" for others, and you must stay away in order to keep from overwhelming them. There is something ugly and dangerous in you and if you allow others to come close enough, they will get hurt. And the worst one of all...The people around you can sense all of this in you, and they know to stay away. No one will ever be foolish enough to come all the way in, and you will always be alone. Yes, this message expresses itself in many ways, but all with the same result. I feel compelled to draw into myself, to hide away from others.

This idea both infuriates and defeats me. On one hand I just want to rage. I want to lash out at the author of these lies. I want to flagellate myself for my inability to stand against them, for the weakness that allows me to give them any kind of weight in my life. I'm also enraged at the people who make it so easy for me to believe. The people who are content with shallow, superficial conversation. The countless thousands who walk this earth without any desire or intention to scratch beneath the surface of either themselves or others. I despise these people!

On the other hand, I am so utterly tired and hurt and confused that I just want to lay down and sleep for a very long time. It seems a pointless battle and a waste of time and I often truly believe that it won't get me anywhere. What's the solution? To keep foisting myself on others who aren't interested? To cut those people out of my life completely? Focus only on those few, brave souls who are willing to search and reach? I don't know. I don't seem to have answers to any questions today.

I know that this is a not a new struggle. This message has battered me for most of my life. So much so, that my defense were impenetrable. I became so good at keeping my distance that it was second nature to me. But I was brittle, and hard, and lonely, and I know I don't want to be there again. It's just....How do we know? How can we determine who is trustworthy and who isn't? How do we distinguish between those who want to know and to see and who will be gentle with our hearts, versus those who only want to know that they can get in, if they choose to?

Lord, I know that you place these longings in our hearts for a reason. The desire for fellowship, for community, the intense wanting to be truly known- none of these are arbitrary. You created us with that, and for that. Why then, did You make it so hard? Why, so painful? It seems like a lose/lose. We either shut people out, keep our distance, and suffer silently and alone, or we let people in, give them access to those most tender places, and then have huge chunks of our hearts ripped out at random. What's more painful? To keep someone out, or to invite them in, and have them walk away instead?

A Cry From the Heart of a Woman

My heart cries out to be pursued. I long to be longed for. I long for someone to be so captivated by me that they boldly chase after me. I desire someone full of passion to be inspired by me and to inspire a deep passion within me and to sweep me away on an incredible adventure. I want to share in the battle, in the danger, in the excitement of life. I long to have a treasure, a secret beauty to be discovered and revealed by one special person. I want to have a beauty to unveil. I want to be a mystery. I want to be more than what I appear to be. I want to have more inside than every one else sees in me. I want to be known to the depths of my heart and soul and to be loved and appreciated for the beauty that resides there. I want danger, adventure, excitement, romance, and unconditional, never-ending love. I want to truly and fully belong to someone and I will never be satisfied with a partial fulfillment. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to lock my heart away and hide from risk and the possibility of heartbreak. I want to love recklessly and to give all of my heart and life. I want a love that demands all of me and that won't allow me to hold back. I want to unleash my heart- the heart of a woman- and follow it as it chases after and finds all of my dreams and desires.

Untitled

I'm fighting battles deep within my soul
And the hardest part to understand is why I have to conquer letting go.
I'm so weak! I cry out to You for strength
I close my eyes and seek You on my knees.

There are times my combat's with myself, but I know
I should be fighting for You, I should be dying for You.
I'm so small, how can I be of use to You at all?
So I close my eyes and seek You
On my knees I'm praying.

Show me where to send my heart, even if the way is dark and cold
For I know you will provide all I need.
Open up my eyes, my soul and let Your Spirit take control.
I will give You all of me.
Just show me where to send my heart.

I can't imagine why You would choose me
But I feel Your love so surely, strongly. I feel Your peace, Your grace, Your mercy.
Let it be me to carry love to those around me,
Fill me up so You can pour me out.

There are times I feel I can't go on, but I know
It's not my strength within me, it's not my will I live by.
How can I be worthy of so great a sacrifice?
I just close my eyes and seek You
On my knees, still praying.

Show me where to send my heart, even if the way is dark and cold
For I know You will provide all I need.
Open up my eyes, my soul and let Your Spirit take control.
I will give You all of me.
Just show me where to send my heart.