Proven Wrong

I'm reading a wonderful new book, and whenever I read something inspiring, it makes me want to write something inspiring. Unfortunately, there is so much going on in my life that is inspired and inspiring right now, I have no idea where to begin or which amazing new thing to latch onto and try to describe. Then there's the fact that even if I could latch on to one of those things, there is absolutely and completely no possible way that I could even describe the tiniest little piece of it in a way that would do justice to the powerful way that God is working and moving in me.

If I had to sum things up in one sentence, I would just have to say that God is making a point of making me eat my words right now. I have always been a doubter, a questioner, a little bit of a skeptic. Not because I don't want to believe, but probably more because I am prideful and never want to be taken for a fool. I don't want to believe in something that may be silly or not real. So I make a lot of bold, emphatic statements because I think I have it all figured out. "It's not possible to be falling in love with someone after only three dates." "There is never going to be any one person who means all the right things at the time that you need to hear them. You just have to learn to ask for what you want." "Sometimes you have to learn to work with what you have and make it into what you want, instead of waiting to stumble across something that already is exactly what you want. That may never happen."

Sounds wise enough, I suppose. I've definitely sold it well to people. But here's the secret. I don't say those things because I really believe they're true. I say them because something in me hopes against hope that they aren't true, but I'm afraid to admit it, and all the time I'm just waiting around, hoping, but never really expecting, to be proven wrong.

Against all odds, against all explanation, against all logic, I am being proven spectacularly wrong. And in the most delightful way imaginable. God isn't fighting me, beating me down, forcing me to admit to all the flaws in my fallacious arguments. It's more like He's saying, "I have so much more for you. Something so much better. You're afraid to ask for it, but that's okay. I'm going to give it to you anyway. I'm going to hand it to you gently, slowly, patiently, but persistently. There will be no way for you to deny what I am doing for you. There will be no way for you to reject what I'm offering you. There will be no reason to doubt and no room for fear. I'm going to fill you with peace, with trust, with acceptance of this marvelous thing."

Today I'm standing here, awed and grateful, with my head thrown back and my arms spread wide- just trying to take it all in. Thank you! Thank you for your mercy, your grace, your tenderness and consistency with me. Thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for you insistent love and your stubborn pursuit of me. I love it, and I love You!

Fear and Adventure

The dualities of life never cease to amaze me. How can someone you love be so wonderful and so wounding at the same time. How can true beauty fill us with such awe and terror. How can I be so excited about something and so afraid at the same time? How can I be so ready for something to happen and yet feel so unprepared?

In two days, I will embark on an adventure of epic proportions. Mountains, snow, travel, new friends, beautiful strangers, horses, tiaras, tears. I'm going alone. But not really. My unseen companion, the Wild Goose, is always with me. And I am with me. For the first time in a long time, I feel like my heart is really with me. Like it's a connected extension of my body and my soul instead of some abstract kind of concept or idea. My emotions are so close to the surface right now, which is so foreign to me. I'm not used to feeling like this, and it's scary, and wonderful, and inspiring and immobilizing.

And like with all adventure, there is danger. Unseen and unforeseen enemies wait at every turn to keep me from all that is coming. To rob me of joy, of truth, and most importantly of real, live, abundant life. There is a fight ahead. So, I'm stacking on the armor, sharpening my sword, preparing for the battle. And looking to my Captain. Guard me, protect me, shield me, lead me, please. Fill my limbs with strength, my heart with courage and my life with You. Ready or not, here we go!

Never Grow Up

It happens everytime I open up my eyes
And it takes me by surprise.
I hold sunlight and swallow firefles
And it makes me want to cry.

I love you.

I shall never grow up; make-believe is much too fun.
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

We were walking there and I had tangles in my hair
But you made me feel so pretty.
You had shining eyes just like the forest lights
And it makes me want to cry.

I love you.

I shall never grow up; make-believe is much too fun.
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

This place is so lovely it kind of makes me very happy.
Let's go far away to the humming meadow.

-Eisley

Letting Go

Letting go of a hand that I've grown so accustomed to holding
Letting go of that hand can be so hard
Letting go of a hand that was there to protect and defend me
Letting go of that hand can be so hard

There was bound to come a time. I had to find my way.
Our time has come for letting go.

Moving on in my life, there's so much about me that I'm unsure of.
I must find my own way on my own.
You will always be with me and I will always need your love.
And it's so hard to let you go.

Even now, though we know how my heart wants to hold on forever.
It's the hardest thing I know. But now it's time for letting go.

From the musical Jekyl and Hyde

Walking Song

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began
Now far ahead the Road has gone
And I must follow if I can

Pursuing it with eager feet
Until it joins some larger way
Where many road and errands meet
And whither then, I cannot say...

-J.R.R. Tolkien