Professional Distance

Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love when all my resistance can never be distance enough.
-Anna Nalick

There is a message that I seem to be receiving a lot lately. It's ugly, and hurtful, and I want to believe that it's not true, but I keep hearing it. The actions of others in and around my life keep confirming it. And that is really hard to fight. How are we supposed to live from the truth, when the lies seem to be the truest thing about us?

The message centers around one thing- distance. And it comes in many forms and fashions. People prefer you at a distance. You are safer if you keep your distance from others. Something in you is "too much" for others, and you must stay away in order to keep from overwhelming them. There is something ugly and dangerous in you and if you allow others to come close enough, they will get hurt. And the worst one of all...The people around you can sense all of this in you, and they know to stay away. No one will ever be foolish enough to come all the way in, and you will always be alone. Yes, this message expresses itself in many ways, but all with the same result. I feel compelled to draw into myself, to hide away from others.

This idea both infuriates and defeats me. On one hand I just want to rage. I want to lash out at the author of these lies. I want to flagellate myself for my inability to stand against them, for the weakness that allows me to give them any kind of weight in my life. I'm also enraged at the people who make it so easy for me to believe. The people who are content with shallow, superficial conversation. The countless thousands who walk this earth without any desire or intention to scratch beneath the surface of either themselves or others. I despise these people!

On the other hand, I am so utterly tired and hurt and confused that I just want to lay down and sleep for a very long time. It seems a pointless battle and a waste of time and I often truly believe that it won't get me anywhere. What's the solution? To keep foisting myself on others who aren't interested? To cut those people out of my life completely? Focus only on those few, brave souls who are willing to search and reach? I don't know. I don't seem to have answers to any questions today.

I know that this is a not a new struggle. This message has battered me for most of my life. So much so, that my defense were impenetrable. I became so good at keeping my distance that it was second nature to me. But I was brittle, and hard, and lonely, and I know I don't want to be there again. It's just....How do we know? How can we determine who is trustworthy and who isn't? How do we distinguish between those who want to know and to see and who will be gentle with our hearts, versus those who only want to know that they can get in, if they choose to?

Lord, I know that you place these longings in our hearts for a reason. The desire for fellowship, for community, the intense wanting to be truly known- none of these are arbitrary. You created us with that, and for that. Why then, did You make it so hard? Why, so painful? It seems like a lose/lose. We either shut people out, keep our distance, and suffer silently and alone, or we let people in, give them access to those most tender places, and then have huge chunks of our hearts ripped out at random. What's more painful? To keep someone out, or to invite them in, and have them walk away instead?

A Cry From the Heart of a Woman

My heart cries out to be pursued. I long to be longed for. I long for someone to be so captivated by me that they boldly chase after me. I desire someone full of passion to be inspired by me and to inspire a deep passion within me and to sweep me away on an incredible adventure. I want to share in the battle, in the danger, in the excitement of life. I long to have a treasure, a secret beauty to be discovered and revealed by one special person. I want to have a beauty to unveil. I want to be a mystery. I want to be more than what I appear to be. I want to have more inside than every one else sees in me. I want to be known to the depths of my heart and soul and to be loved and appreciated for the beauty that resides there. I want danger, adventure, excitement, romance, and unconditional, never-ending love. I want to truly and fully belong to someone and I will never be satisfied with a partial fulfillment. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to lock my heart away and hide from risk and the possibility of heartbreak. I want to love recklessly and to give all of my heart and life. I want a love that demands all of me and that won't allow me to hold back. I want to unleash my heart- the heart of a woman- and follow it as it chases after and finds all of my dreams and desires.

Untitled

I'm fighting battles deep within my soul
And the hardest part to understand is why I have to conquer letting go.
I'm so weak! I cry out to You for strength
I close my eyes and seek You on my knees.

There are times my combat's with myself, but I know
I should be fighting for You, I should be dying for You.
I'm so small, how can I be of use to You at all?
So I close my eyes and seek You
On my knees I'm praying.

Show me where to send my heart, even if the way is dark and cold
For I know you will provide all I need.
Open up my eyes, my soul and let Your Spirit take control.
I will give You all of me.
Just show me where to send my heart.

I can't imagine why You would choose me
But I feel Your love so surely, strongly. I feel Your peace, Your grace, Your mercy.
Let it be me to carry love to those around me,
Fill me up so You can pour me out.

There are times I feel I can't go on, but I know
It's not my strength within me, it's not my will I live by.
How can I be worthy of so great a sacrifice?
I just close my eyes and seek You
On my knees, still praying.

Show me where to send my heart, even if the way is dark and cold
For I know You will provide all I need.
Open up my eyes, my soul and let Your Spirit take control.
I will give You all of me.
Just show me where to send my heart.

Control Freak

I suppose that all of us have parts of ourselves that we suppress so carefully we are somehow able to convince ourselves that those parts of us do not exist. For the truly delusional among us, we may even be able to believe that we are above such things. We may even see those parts of ourselves in others and despise what we see. But always, eventually, that part of ourselves that we stuff into a tiny little box and lock away in a tiny little room with a tiny little key that we then make sure to lose in the farthest reaches of our consciousness- always, that monster manages to rear its ugly head!

Today, I'd like to admit that I am a freak (of sideshow proportions) and that there is a monster inside my head and heart that grapples shamelessly for control and will resort to the lowest forms of manipulation and deceit in order to get what it wants.

The scariest part of all of this is that I never even recognize her when she begins to take over. Which makes sense...how can you recognize a part of you that you've convinced yourself does not exist? This failure to recognize results in her ability to run rampart and to create some serious damage in my life before I am willing to take responsibility for her and wrestle her back into captivity. It occurred to me today that perhaps if I was more aware of her existence, I could take action more quickly when she runs amok.

So, I invited her for a cup of coffee and we had a lengthy conversation, and as I listened to her it occurred to me that perhaps she is not the monster I believe her to be. She is something more akin to a frightened little girl left alone in a dark closet for a long time. Neglect has made her ugly and cruelly distorted and perhaps a bit mean. She is wary of others and trust is nearly impossible for her. She has come to believe that no one cares for her and no one ever will, and as she is left to fend completely for herself, she strikes out in any way she can to make sure that no one disturbs her lonely, little existence. She spoke many lies to me, but each of them are lies she believes to be true. She does not seek to deceive others, she is only deceived herself. She has no true desire to hurt others, her intention is merely to preserve herself in whatever way she feels she must.

I suggested that perhaps she could take me on as a sort of confidante and ally, and maybe she would feel a bit more safe and secure with less of a need to antagonize others. She hesitantly, almost shyly agreed to at least make an attempt. She is still wary of me and of any others that I introduce her to, but she is clean and fed and looked after, and her countenance has begun to appear more pleasant. Now when she feels threatened she can voice that to me, and I am no longer able to shut her out or refuse to take responsibility for her actions. And I in turn am able to speak for her, in a rational way, and arrange to make her feel safe and secure without all the havoc she used to have to create in order to be payed attention to. She is as much a part of me as all the bright and beautiful things that I take pride in. And even she shines a little more lately.

Mended

You repair all that we have torn apart
And You unveil a new beginning in our hearts
And we stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us

You've got all things suspended,
All things connected,
Nothing was forgotten,
'Cause Your love is perfect

You are our Healer,
You know what's broken,
And we're not a mystery to You

We will dance as You restore the wasted years
And You will sing over all our coming fears
And we'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us

You've got all things suspended,
All things connected,
Nothing was forgotten,
'Cause Your love is perfect

You are our Healer,
You know what's broken,
And we're not a mystery to You

Lord, You mend the breech,
You break every fetter,
You give us Your best,
For what we thought was better

And You are to be praised
You are to be praised
You are to praised

You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause Your love is perfect
You are our healer
You know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to You.

-Watermark

Wreck of the Day

Driving away from the wreck of the day
and the light's always red in the rearview
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up
giving up on Love
On Love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
Cause Love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up
giving up on Love
On Love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of Love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving along, finally on my way home
To the comfort of my bed.

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up
giving up on Love
On Love

-Anna Nalick